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The Tension and The Terror

What happened?

Did I do something?

Last time I seen you was month and a half ago and the vibe and future outlook were very fucking different

Now I barely hear from you let alone see you

The feeling doesn't seem like you have it

But you wouldn't tell me even if you knew. I`d rather know than not even if it wasn't the answer I was looking for.

I gave it my all and now all I`ve got is this whole in my chest and a head full of doubt.

Love is about the changes you would make for someone else, starting with yourself.
I would change my entire life to be with you.

I`m not mad at all, just upset.

I feel like I did everything I could on my side. So really I`m just going to start holding my head up high.

I didn`t do anything wrong this time.

In the past yes, but I said all I could to tell you how sorry I was and how much regret I`ve carried around these past 5 years over it and you/ my actions.

I told you how afraid I was of wasting more time not having you in my life

You said you completely agreed

So where are you now?

somethings never change
and yet change is the only thing that stays the same

I`ve been on a rap kick for about a month now
I think i`ve listen to AESOP`s float everyday front to back
Alot of Eminem too
I`m starting to listen to lil wayne lols,
Don`t really care for him I like his flow but the songs about being thug and money are dumb imo
I do love when he raps about life and shit thats the kinda like rap I like alot

I just dont know myself these days anymore
I`m more lost in my head then the people are around me on the topic of wtf I`m doing
I just feel shitty, lame, dumb and aloof

this is when i get to be a contradiction
i hate people and friends period
granted theres like only a handful, like 5 max that I actually want to talk to let alone hang out
but for the most part i fucking hate poeple
i am not social and im a horriable friend
i cant seem to keep in touch and vent or do whatever it is friends do on a regular basis
i dont want to talk or tell you my life but hey lets hang out and give eachother something to do, thats about as far as i go
im crazy period done.

however lately i just want to go out and do shit and talk to people
but as soon as i start im like ok fuck this i want to go home and be alone
im pretty sure ive got some social disorder or anexity
idk i cant make up my mind
like theres people who i love and think to myself like wow i want to hang out with you and your awesome lets be bff
but i make no attempt or ever try to talk to those poeple (mike, bryan, tianna)
the only poeple ive stayed friends with actually is amanda, anthony, justin........... i got 3
idk hi im roy im dumb crazy and random ill make no sense hey hey thats me

fuck i just dont want to be apart of anything
its like i cant seem to find what im looking for
although im not very sure what im looking for
i feel like im one of those 3d puzzles you have you stare at for a long time to see whats really in it
however everyone looking at me is colorblind

i dont even kow why i updated this
i thought it would make me feel better
i doubt anyone reads this shit ahahaha
whatever fuck it
happy new year
ill be working at 5 am

Even If You Want Me To Let Go....

Happy Birthday Hollie.....
I still miss you like no other
Love you more than anything in this world....


Who Cares What You Have To Say

I feel like everyone is 2 faced around me
your faces are all the same but the vibe isnt
god forbid you find a happyness or someone else
there is
no proof in it but wow its def how everyone acts to me
wtb friends who i dont  doubt

could just be crazy like always
or maybe I`m finally catching on to the game?
I want to be a ghost half my life
and drunk the other half

Maybe I`m over reacting?
or just looking at this all in the wrong way?
it could all just be bad timing
or perhaps I`m just right?
maybe I`m a douche bag and i deserve it?
Justin and I are going to see Anthony this month! the 14-17th and I can`t wait
a breathe of fresh air and old good friends is something I def need
It seems like theres been so much bullshit and drama lately I really want to get away from it all
On the bright side I have been pretty happy lately
I actually feel like I`m being treated very good and I`m having fun with something so diffirent
It`s really cool and exciting I like it alot
I can`t wait to see how far and deep this goes
Warped Tour was so fucking awesome this year!
Anti-Flag was wtf omg holy shit amazing live
I got to meet Senses Fail and the lead singer Buddy,even told him how much I respect him and his music
priceless hands down
Set Your Goals is fucking awesome, finally some new punk
I like to see karma in action
even when its to myself in a negative way, its a good reminder to be a good straight up person
however watching karma hit a dear friend of mine is alot more painful to watch then myself...........
please for the love of god learn a fucking lesson and find yourself once more
Tonight I go to sleep mad, pissed, curious, and wondering
I hope for something new.....
Alot of things
Almost all of it
Almost everything still

"Pickup a Handful of happy, lose a hand in the process"


Take this breath, I`m counting on you

Agony and Irony
Hand in hand
sorta like light and shadow I would say
if you have one
you will always have the other
I think intentions are never seen the way they are meant
at least mine always seem to get twisted and turned
this could be my own fault and or not,  I`m not sure
but it never fails to fuck me
I am going to write a paragraph to certain people without naming them
and I am not going to tell them that I did this
But ill just sit here blindly hoping they read this
I know they are aware of this LJ, but I never told them to look or watch it for updates
You have been a great friend to me in more ways then i ever asked for
alot of dumb shit has happened though
yea ive been hot headed and assumed things
but so have you in the same way
i still dont know what to make of it
we have fought in ways that are fucking retarded and i will never understand why or how
things have been quite dramatic the past few months
i thought it was all behind and we could go back to being friends
but now i guess i did something again cause i dont get a word from you
and yes i am caught off guard and i dont see what happened this time..again
im sure someone just ran their fucking mouth and it wasnt told the way it was happened
or some dumb fucking think like that
i just want to be friends have a good time and laugh
we were hanging out and doing our thing last week
but now i dont exist

you once said to me that i was just bad timing, i say amen to that
you are beauty in ever way shape and or form
i admire you from every angle
i unfortunately seem to bring drama where ever i go, and you are keen to be brought into it
i apologize for this but pray that you know i do not intend on it
i can honestly say i just want to be a huge part of your life, i actually want to be your best friend

Everyone seems to think Im ignoring them or Im mad
im sorry for giving that vibe but i am not doing that
i have actually just been busy and very focused the past week
finally after 9 months Ive actually met someone
been spending like every day with her and talking all the time
i dont want to forget my friends just because i have someone now
my friends have always been there for me through the bad times, i want them there for the good
i apologize

i am excited to see how this plays out
=  )   

I can not fucking wait for warped tour
and to go see anthony
i need to find a second job being broke fucking blows
i cant wait for school to start up again
poison the well is fucking good

Walking out with nothing but a head full of self doubt
I`m tired and sick of fucking feel like an ugly, no good, shitty person
I do not deserve to be treated like this
but its what you do to me
yes this is gonna be another entry of my bitching and crying because I refuse to fucking talk to anyone
theres no point in venting anyway, not like anyone gives two shits about anything i have to say
let alone have something half intelligent to say in response to what is going through my head
I want to see beauty
please come along knock me on my ass and leave my lost and dizzy in storm full of attraction, creativity, freedom, humor and happiness
oh wait my bad thats to much to ask for and no such thing
your all the same.... fucking stupid and weak
if I ever met one that was strong I might have some hope
i fear that I long ago convinced myself that my other half has already left and there isn`t another one out there to fit me
once again going back to that.....
my one demon..... and also most important thing in my head
maybe I`m just stuck in high school state of mind
maybe when I say something really means something to me
I unlike the rest of the god forsaken world
I really mean it
you don`t deserve a fucking thing  but ill give it all to you
because you are my weak spot
I`m am done and dont worrie about it
but sometimes you do sneak up on me
and once again ill find myself stuck in between
shit but that all goes away when you come into play
i cant even describe
your are trouble spell out across the sky for the whole world to let me know before i can fall
in every which way shape and or form i can see you turning my world upside down and causing anarchy
I don`t think I`ve ever been this eager in my life
: )

I am the mouse chasing the wolf
your fucking stupid, grow up and please realize that is not me-------- I`m 4 steps from the door
I pray to go through with  the idea in my head
it will do everyone some good
jesus grow up you fucking hypocrite
I feel like half the music I have on my ipod
it all looks so cool from the album cover
and sounds soo awesome and amazing through my ears
but i have yet to sit down and take it all in to my head and connect with it
because just as i start i download another cool looking/interesting band
and i forget about the one i started with, the one that made me in the first place
i go back every once and a while to move myself forward and me going farther down the road leaving it all behind

I want to paint
and i say it all the fucking time
im going to go buy a book and get more into it
i feel like i could be a very creative and neat person if i would just try
lol that last part
just try
hey to rest of the world,
just try


banksy sleeve? i think so


i`m going all out on this
I`m not going to delete anything im going to just flow off of my mind
this is me
and why i think they way i do
how I refuse to depend on anyone anymore
this is why I don`t attach to no one
becuase I could not pick myself up off the ground if I went through this all again
no one will ever compare

It`s Been 6 years since
your death
6 years since I`ve lost my best friend
6 years since the first person I ever said I love you to
6 years since the laughter in my life has left my lungs
It`s been 6 years now that you`ve been gone
6 years ago I should of left with you, or at least I would of liked too
6 years Hollie`s been gone

It`s also 6 years past
my time of death

I can`t remember the last time I seen or spoke to you face to face.....
the anger that I don`t remember that is indescribable, I can`t even go there
my fucking piece of shit memory which is more then all my fault

You probably have no idea how much you impacted me
I`m pretty sure I never told you or showed
which is one of my biggest regrets ever in life
before I met you I was so quite and self kept, def not out going whatsoever
and now after you i`m on the other side of the road on that one
I hope in some way you know that its all because of you
whenever I tell a story to a friend or when people ask my what that letters are tattooed on my wrist
the only way that I can really say sum you up is
"that`s the love of my life, she taught me how to laugh"

Sitting on the side of andalusia as cars pass by
every pass just makes it colder
I don`t really care though
I`m crying too hard half the time to even know that im on the side of the road on my knees in the dirt
spewing out my guts to bricks laid by your friends to remind our selfs of where you last laid
it`s diffrent there
I think and feel diffrent
see everything in a very strange and diffrent way
i`ve been there so many times, spent so many hours yelling at the top of my lungs to sea of stars thats heard it all before

I shouldn`t of had to pull weeds off of your grave tonight just to say hello to you
I should of came home to you 

Thinking about when it happened
the days and weeks that followed
the nights and thoughts
I always think of alkaline trio, especially the album Good Mourning which just came out around that time
I remember i didn`t even like them that much when i first heard them
not their tattoed on my arm and i spend half my days singing them at the top of my lungs in my car
whenever i hear this cd i think of those days
how hard that was
and now where i stand
it dosen`t compare
Its funny
I`m actually laughing at it all now
None of which still make no sense
But I`m starting to see the game
My oh my how funny it all is
Every base is covered
As is every turn watched
I`m going to lose no matter how creative I get with this hand
I was a loser walking in the door for this fight

I`m sick of the thought just on my mind
just the subject alone makes me so angry
and yet i want it
and i miss it
then again i know its the root of every headache
and minor hick up in the road
or maybe its just me and my choices latley
i really dont know
and i dont care to ever know actually
just past
teach me my lesson and let be on my way
i dont not wish to linger anymore
what the hell am i doing here?
Prob karma
or just luck on my side ahahah
but whatever fuck it
get over
stand up
the only reason i choose to fall, is to remind myself how it is  to get back up
i havent picked myself up in a long long time

I have no desire to see through my old eyes anymore
telling myself these jokes for so long
well so long
im a hasbeen who is heckeled on the stage

take lots with alcholo

Tie Her Down

Holy Shit

I`m fucking crazy!

The End

Even now I can

Tonight I seen Senses Fail
Holy fucking bejesus was it a good fucking show
I am so happy and feel so much better and relieved I can`t describe it
they played Martini Kiss
:  )
All I have to see is Alk 3 play cooking wine and Mr.Chainsaw and life will be complete


Screaming songs at the top of my lung with a million other people really does my head some good
Literally screamed til there was no air in my lungs and i thought i was going to pass out
I feel very relived and relaxed now
thank you Nicole, Dave, Bryan and Erin for going I really needed it

A select few may know but for the most part its not
My head is spinning at a very crazy rate and theres alot of drama and bullshit on my plate
I fucking hate and im sick of looking at it let alone eating it
I just want it to all go away
I`d rather not say anything or fight because its so retarded its not worth the energy to speak it aloud
but i have no problem what so ever standing up for myself
Just wash my hands of it all dam
I feel so dirty like as if i need to take a shower every  couple hours because of it
fuck it

I`m craving it pretty bad now
but not like full fledge kinda of
like maybe half way down the way of it
not to be like completely devoted to like this is written in stone
but to be somewhat an item ya know?
looking to have breathe taking away
and yet be something to someone
still very comfortable and relaxed
i want to be infatuated, and do the same in return

I no longer want to go to edison for my AA
I want to go from some like specific degree
I`m thinking something medical
I want alot more out of life
I bought the banksy art book
that dude is a fucking genius
I really want to be artistic now more then ever after reading it
I think im gonna buy a book or something and really try to make or learn to draw myself

I beg
I pray
For anything to hit me in the face