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Body fucking moving

I`ve prob wrote this before but I really wish i could draw and or paint
there are so many thing in my mind or how i perceive that i would love to express to the world but words wont do it justice

Since New years I have def been in a way better state of mind and idea
My resolution was to just let go, which is alot deeper then what you simply read
Mainly to not worried about every possible scenario and to just let shit happen trying not to fix it all
man o man how that has helped

I also started school and I really like it alot
Wanting to take more classes while working a whole let less is def what I want to do, but bills kick my ass
I can`t wait to really find something to pursue and get a major going
but for now just my AA is more then enough for me
I am so content that im finally in collage i feel so much better about myself
The perspective of life just got soo huge its insane, i can`t wait to see where i go

Not that I care who reads this to be honest
I just dont know how to word something in my mind so this will prob sound alot shitter then intended

I feel sorta lost on it quite frankly
for a while i was so hung up and soo determined to fix it
finally given up the chase i feel like i have no drive or i dont know just nothing to look for i guess........
looking back i feel like such a fool and regret what i left and or ruined
but i did my best and tried to hard to fix and get it back, which just isnt working
and even retarded determined roy gives up after a while
meeting someone new is def strange ahahha

jesus christ
i dont know what the fuck youve been doing lately but please just calm the fuck down
calm calm down
i dont think you appreciate alot of shit that happens to you
 i realize youve been through so much fucked up shit and dealt wrong to you
but if your only looking for bad shit its all your going to get imo
sometimes you bring it on yourself

I feel like that quarter you picked up off that nasty ass ground in front of the atm
thinking man i got a new quarter sweet
but when you go to put me in on the counter im just a nickle

im in a rap mood right now. beastie boys blaring out of my computer now lol

i want to go to a show throw my first in the air and scream at the top of my lungs
i want a really fun night with friends with amazing conversations that will change my life
i want to meet someone new
i want to make new friends and find out how far i can really go
I want to go to the beach, maybe even get a tan rofls
i want to move away
i want tats out the face
i want to live
I want everything to be diffrent

My Teeth Fell Out Like Ivory

/Join channel Rant

Man I just need to vent about life I just need to dump all this shit off my mind


I`m pretty mad at myself, I feel like I`m wasting my time
Just working and hating every minute of it living paycheck to paycheck
Wondering  what the hell am I gonna do when my car dies, or how am I ever going to get a real house
I feel like I`m losing my mind like I`m becoming fucking retarded
                                               All of this is not how I want to live

In fact it`s excatly how I will NOT live anymore.
I`m going to get off my ass and go out and fucking persue something in life
Time is to short to sit around and play games forever
I think the answer to this is for me to go to college
And man do I wish I would of gone right after high school
I regret not doing that but I`ll be dammed if I don`t fix that mistake

To be honest I`m pretty scared of going back to school
Actually I`m fucking terrified
But I need to go, to feel like I`m doing something to get a drive for life
To secure my future to get a goal once again
To stop myself from going insane working for some corporate monster that is draining my soul

I think I`m crazy or at the very least schizophrenic
I need to stop being a hermit
I`m going fucking nuts

I think to myself I have no one to talk to
As if no one is there for me
Sure alot of people call themself my friends
Hell I would call them my friends too
But are you really there for me?
Do you really give a fuck about me??

I am the shadow with no place to be casted upon

This boat is going down
but they all tell me not to jump

I Was Getting Bored With Hurting Myself


So we went to Warped Tour 2 weeks ago
It was soo fucking terribad oh man
And I no longer hold Against Me! as my favorite band......... thier so shitty now
Not even punk its crappy raido rock god dam I`m so dissapointed about them
Their old shit like Reinventing Axel Rose, or as the Eternal Cowboy are such good albums
What the fuck happened

Last Saturday however Dave took me to see Alkaline Trio at the house of blues
What a badass show
It was fucking awesome
Such a good set and so many songs from Goddammit!
I was very happy
Thank you again Dave
Also seen a band called the fashion there
They were pretty sweet too
And the virgin record store is amazing

Work is gay
We make 120k a day yet we cant have more than 2 people on one side of the store for coverage
What da fuck

I miss Anthony
He is sick ass hell right now
Hope you get better brother

I just want to many tattos
Like cover my body please
But when i think about it, what the fuck should i get?
How dumb is that
How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

My best friend came home from boot camp Saturday\
After 4 months of not having anyone to hang out with, call, or just be retarded with me
Anthony came home
But as a Marine
: )
I`m proud of ya brother
Its so good to hang out with him justin and josh like the old day
something should never end

It sucks even though he hasn`t changed at all
I know when he gets back from actually being deployed I`m sure then he`ll diffrent
I already miss the fucker
It sucks
Even though change is what makes tomrrow better
Some thing I wished never changed mostly friends

I`ve always thought of being so anti-war, political, and all that government shit
After hearing his stories of boot camp and what they tell you and show you it really puts things in a diff rent perspective
i have alot more respect  for what people do for us in the military
but honestly i still don`t agree with it for the most part
and i still think America is pretty fucking ignorant

This Saturday I turn 21
Mother fucking vacation inc 28th-7th here I come!

I`m getting old and yet i still feel like I`m a dead beat who has accomplished nothing
I think its normal, every prob felt that around this age
But I`m not sure what the hell I want to do with my life, all I know is I want to be happy

HellsyeahI love yoohoo

It`s really sweet when old friends come home
Or give you a phone call out of the blue
Pop in and throw you off guard at work
It`s nice to know your not the only thoughtful one around
As much as a hermit as I am, I love all my friends and I hope they all know that

If I could pick one skill to just instantly learn and master I would pick to be able to paint/draw
So many thoughts in my mind, Ideas and or analogies that I would love to put out there for everyone to see and experince
I would love to give people the chance just to see things in a diffrent view from a diffrent angle

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me
.And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart
.You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I don`t even know what to make of this
It was pretty hurtful now that i think about and anaylze it
I hope every night it happens though
It was like a tease or a slam in the face of desires and hopes  that could never happen
And yet I am so thankful and happy that it happened because even though its been 5 years
I was never blessed with dreams of you

You wanted to talk so bad and just hang out
About how much you missed me
How much fun you were having and how good life was
We were at your house sitting on your bed
It all just looked like i remembered it
Even your mom and Russel was there
So many memories and conversations come back to this crazy head of mine
It was like a long over due refresher, like a bar of ZEST

I probably sound fucking crazy or just looking for some attention
I`m not
I just miss you in such an unimaginable way that I can not describe
It still feels like it happened yesterday
And I`m still not even one step over it

But The Songs Gone On For To Long

I thought that you were laughing

When you cried your eyeballs out

I have not posted in LJ for a long long o so very long time
But I am quite sick of everything lately I`m really starting to miss alot of things
Habits and people mainly come to mind
So right now I`m going to do an old habit, update LJ

Life is good I can honestly say I am content with my life as it is right now : )
Work is good I love my being the MMB specialist at target I really enjoy my job and team, good shit
I want a new car one that I love and want to work on and put money into one that I cherish ya know?
Absoultely hate living in North Fort Myers, what a god dam hell hole I want to move out  but i love having next to no rent
I had a plan to be in college before my 21st birthday what ever happened to that I ask myself?

I miss my mom alot  I feel like I never see her but I do all the time
Same for my brother

I just want to cover my arms in tattos I fucking want full sleves but I can not decide on what to get
I`m afraid of getting something and then like a month later not want that on my body forever
then again I kinda only want tattos that all mean something, but fuck it lets get something that just look sweet eh?

A good great friend of mine from work, David has dragged me out of my cave and made me be social once again
My dear friend I thank you very much for this
Now I want to go out every night and do something
And meet new people
I`m just sick of alot of things lately
I feel like Doug Funny wearing the same clothes everyday and everything looking the same to me
I want some change in my life

God dam  I miss Anthony soo much
and Hollie
where to begin
Thanks AJM
Says The Butcher as he raises his arm

I fucking Hate how shitty Against Me! is now

I wake to find no peace of mind

4 years, 131 days and 2 hours past my time of death

A late post yes I know once again
Happy Birthday my love

try not to think about it so much
Til this day half of mine still consists of mostly you
when I do its all only negative mean angry and selfish thoughts that come to mind
still looking for some positive outcome or effect of it all and there isn`t such a thing

It`s really made me withdrawal myself from everything and everyone around me
I know alot of people seen it and didn`t like it whatsoever
they all tried so hard on this one but I will always be selfish with myself

at some point everyone is going to die
everyone of my friends/family just everyone will
thinking about it make me never want to become close or hang out and get attached to anyone ever again

Death is one thing you know about your entire life almost
such a natural step in life, one that is inevitable unstoppable something that has to be done
I`m so fucking terrified of it

how much I say I love you, how wonderful I think of you and who you are
If I love you so much and you were THE one for me why the hell would I ever date someone
If I already found the one for me why am I even dating or looking for another?
This shit is constantly running through my head and it makes me want to be single forever

tell me I`m a fool being emo who can`t get over anything in life and needs to grow up
I`ll tell you that I`m just holding on to whats dear and unlike any of you fuckers
I won`t let go

Take your wings outside, you can't fly in here
Besides, a purple sky is better soaring for you my angel
You're angel, you little devil
As for me I'll stay inside
I'll be just fine and I'll watch from the window.

Fuck It Thank You I Love You All

You haven`t lived or seen a real show til you`ve watch Against Me!
I`ve lived twice : )

Go check out 2 Gallants, their fucking amazing

So I waited by the phone but that phone never rang
and I sang so loud so I wouldn't hear the bang
When the bang never came and I never got the call
Fuck It! Thank You ! I Love You All!

Ourlady Peace, Ska and Sarcasium

Wow how could I forget to update about your birthday.....
Honestly I feel bad that I missed it
I Feel even worse that I can`t say it to your face

Happy Birthday Holiday